Jack Daniels... Drunk and yabbering about The Rock's HELLDORADO!
May 20, 2003


Hey folks, Harry here... And who cares if this movie has The Rock, Seann Shit-Eating-Grin-Boy, Christopher Walken, Arnold Schwarzenegger or Rosario Dawson... It has ERNIE REYES JR - and Ernie rules all! This doesn't hit till late September, and if you expect anything other than fun stupidity - forget it. Here ya go...


Harry, Harry, quite contrary. How does your site continue to grow? With reviews like the one I’m about to give you, you dumb fuck. This one comes with ala no-brainer – literally.


Fresh out of rehab and 12 steps later, Jack Daniels here once again proving that at least once a year, there’s a research screening to infiltrate in America’s Finest City, San Diego, Californ-i-a. And tonight was just that. I don’t blame ya if you don’t post this, but I had nothing else to do tonight except to “Accept that I’m human and will screw up” (step 10a – the second part of that step is “Fix immediately” but I’ve already committed to this shot of Jack so what the hell). I do got to say, though, tonight was dumb fun. Yep. Dumb, stupid, brainless, dimwitted, senseless fun. Nothing to think about. Nothing to get all misty-eyed over. Nothing to suddenly slam back in your seat and say, “What the fuck?” Well, scratch that. There were a couple of those moments… lemme explain.


“Welcome to the Jungle.” “Helldorado.” And some title the chick at the beginning of the film yelled out to us all, which didn’t register in my alcoholically diminished brain – was the film - starring The Rock and Stifler and Rosario Dawson and a little known actor named CHRISTOPHER WALKEN – I know, I know. WHAT? Exactly. But guess who the director is… Peter Berg. Still don’t make sense? Pour yourself a drink then and watch Very Bad Things. This movie is like a frat party at the end of finals where in one corner you have a dickhead doing bong hits of Jagermeister-soaked chronic; in another you have 2 redneck jocks competing to see who can crush the most Keystone Light beer cans on their nuts before puking; and on the roof is some naked motherfucker on X jumping into the pool and barely making it (gasps and laughs). But enough with the analogies already. The film in 15 seconds and in MovieFone guy’s voice: Seeing it as his last job in the bounty hunter business,Beck (The Rock) travels to Brazil in search of Travis Stifler's character, an alleged "hardened criminal" who turns out to be a college drop-out in search of a 500-year-old artifact. The two team up (can you say “buddy movie”) and look for the valuable item in a gold mine set up by corporate dictator, Hatch (Walken – who has THE best lines). Rosario Dawson plays town bartender and, well, can’t say except a woman who has her own agenda for the missing treasure.


OK, OK – I laughed too (as well, as the audience) when the WWE’s production credit came up in the beginning of the film. Whateva. But what took this audience to the reaction level were the insanely shot fight scenes between Beck and whoever would choose “Option B.” Really. EVERY fight scene from the introductory club scene between a football team’s offensive line, to Hatch “getting to know” the Brazilian rebels. Its both unrealistic and “I guess that could happen under the right circumstances” type of action. Just plain ol’ guys getting fucked up – BAD. I kinda felt like I was watching a film influenced by “Romancing the Stone,” “Raiders of the Lost Ark” and “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” with a bit of WWF “Smackdown” mixed in for fun. See this film for dumb fun. Don’t expect much. Get fuckin high in your 2000 Honda Civic in the parking lot of the theater before the film starts, if you want. In fact, don’t pay full price to see it. Take your chick to the matinee and then go buy her a McDonald’s salad afterward to thank her for hangin. I’m noddin off, so I’m out… love ya, harry.